Thank you to all of you who read the first installment of my series!
I had just left the coven and I had just moved in with my ex wife. I was locked in a nightmarish little hellworld of obsession, depression and anxiety in which I could barely function from day to day. I was very much scared of the new situation I found myself: Afraid of the changes, afraid of screwing up badly and afraid of rejection and abandonment.
Even though I wasn’t ready for my new role as a future husband and father, I stepped up to the plate.
Although I was still a Wiccan at this point, I went to church every Sunday morning with my ex and her son at their non denom church. Even taught my step son the Our Father.
My problems still remained.
With my new situation, I decided that I had to master my problems. The problem was, I was trying to do it on my own without the benefit of God’s grace. I was failing badly.
My ex and and I would often talk about her past and what God did for her. I was amazed.
One night at work in early 2010, I broke down under the weight of it all. I turned to God as wept like a baby; begging God to take me back.
From that night on, I was a Christian and never looked back.
From that point on, I tried to be a good Christian husband and father. Going to church every Sunday, even on weeknights for testimonials and altar calls; paying attention to the readings and the pastor’s sermons.
Trying to get a handle on my problems.
But the problems were obstinate. I was plain obsessed; like my mind’s bandwidth was 90% taken up by my obsessions and fears. All the while, I was plain 24/7 panicked that my sins ( Imagined and real ) would result in my ex rejecting me and throwing me out.
I was reading books and online articles voraciously; trying to get a handle on Who God is. All the while, constantly asking the pastor many questions after Sunday services.
I was also researching articles on the occult and recognized it for what it is: Lies.
To describe it will require a separate post.
Meanwhile, I was exploring all sorts of perspectives on God. I was reading about Gnosticism, Hermeticism, Kabbalah; just to name a few as part of my research on God.
All the while, wracking my mind on Who God is and trying to master my problems.
I often dropped off my stepson at a nearby Christian daycare and I kept seeing the first half of Psalm 46:10 on the wall of the daycare “ Be still and know that I AM God… “
It kept in my mind until one day at work, I began to repeat it in my mind like a mantra to calm my anxieties. Then I was moved to pray and I asked God: “ Lord, how do I know You? “
A booming male voice thundered interiorly: “ Be still and know that I AM God, I shall be exalted among the heathen and I shall be exalted in the earth “ and then I saw in my mind 1 John 4:16 “ God is love. “
Things then unfolded in my mind.
Be still and know that I am God means to be interiorly still and know God. God is a self existent Being. 1 John 4:16 explains that God is love. The Strong’s Concordance translates the Greek agape as moral benevolence. Which means that God is pure Good and that there’s no evil at all in Him and whatever He wills for me is good and I can trust Him.
I shall be exalted among the heathen and I shall be exalted in the earth means that God is sovereign over all of His Creation, He’s omniscient and omnipotent and nothing can withstand Him.
Then I saw something extraordinary.
I saw a vision in which a book made of light was superimposed over the physical reality of the pallets in the Walmart backroom. This book had an obscured face under beams of light emanating from the pages with letters atop the beams.
Like a pop up book made of light.
The voice boomed again interiorly: “ I am revealed in the Word. “
I took this to mean that I should study the Bible to understand God.
Unfortunately, I didn’t undertake a serious study of the Bible, as my obsessions quickly and concretely kept me locked into them.
A week or two later, I was pondering the Garden of Eden story as I was struggling with the Gnostic teaching that the God of the Old Testament was evil and thus, material creation is evil.
Pondering the Fall, things began to unfold in my mind.
God is omniscient and created Adam and Eve with free will. He planted the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the Garden. God allowed Adam and Eve to eat of its fruit and thus humans know both good and evil. We have the choice between good and evil.
God allowed Adam and Eve to fall in order that people experience the contrast between good and evil; allowing people to suffer evil as a test of their character and to see the why to love God.
Also, I understood that God wants us to love Him of our own free will. For if we’re programmed to love God without free will as the animals do; is that really love?
With this insight, I understood the problem of evil and why an omniscient, omnipotent and all loving God allows evil and suffering to exist.
I also understood that the Gnostics were wrong. God is good and thus material creation is good.
Thus concludes Part 1.